Every time I hear “High” by Jamar Rogers, there are a few emotions that tries to escape that I can barely get through the song. It reminds me of a difficult season that expanded most of my life. I remember everything that I went through. To struggle with something for twenty years is exhausting. I am so grateful that I can honestly say that GOD DELIVERED ME FROM IT.

The song says:
Feeling worthless…Feeling helpless…I wanna shelve it…I can’t help it…
All of a sudden here they are again…Those things I keep remembering
I’m pretty used to this regimen now…
So I fumble…Take a tumble… I’ve gotten humble from all of my blunders
So I kiss what I know so well…Because I know that it will never tell
Knocks these thoughts right out of my head…
So I gotta gotta gotta get high
To kill my low
The altitude’s so high I can barely breathe
But I don’t mind at all cause my problems can’t reach
I feel so numb

I am sure that we all can relate to these lyrics one way or another. Now the song writer has his own story about what he was referring to but this song is speaking to me about my Alcohol Addiction. This vice actually started from a suicide attempt at the age of twelve. Is anything really that SERIOUS at that age? Maybe not but that was how I was feeling and that made it real for me.

In probably the silliest attempt at ending my own life, I drank a whole bottle of 70% isopropyl rubbing alcohol. I read the bottle that had a warning to call poison control if ingested so in my mind I just KNEW that I would be poisoned to death. My flawless plan didn’t demand the “courage” to shoot or cut myself or jump from something tall. I told my sister goodbye and I still remember the confused look on her face. I struggled mightily to digest that horribly pungent taste of rubbing alcohol completely. After my teary-eyed and silent apology to GOD, I folded my hands across my chest and went to sleep. It was like I wanted to make it easier for them to lay me in the casket. The strangest thing happened though, I woke up so drunk that I was seeing triple. I stumbled around my room scared but laughing at myself. In all of that, I forgot about everything that was going on at the time that encouraged my attempt to die. I became addicted to that feeling.

I would sneak quite a few drinks but my alcohol addiction didn’t fully manifest until I was fourteen. By then my life was, in my estimation, “unbearable”. There was so much going on at the time in addition to the normal teenage issues. Emotionally, I was very unstable. I was unable to handle rejection, disappointment and many other life issues that we all have to deal with. Alcohol became my god. Despite being in church every week, I depended on the bottle to help me through my life. The alcohol activated the biggest benefits of troubled times; forgetting and escaping reality.

As with any addiction there are personality traits that come along with the addiction such as: lying, stealing and whatever else you had to do to hide the truth. I mastered all of them because people didn’t have a clue. My personality enabled me to get away with it. I got away with it at home. I was in high school drunk every single day. I was at church drunk. I got kicked out of school for being drunk. I didn’t even care because I was numb. I stayed numb. I had to. Reality was too hard.

When I became an adult, hiding it became less important. I was drinking to everything. The birth of my children…I’ll drink to that! A new job…I’ll drink to that! I woke up….I’ll drink to that!! Looking back, it was really ridiculous. The more things happened the more I hid behind the bottle. I couldn’t allow life to penetrate me because I couldn’t handle it. I tried to be a big boy a few times. I even stopped drinking for a few months. Life didn’t stop happening though and to keep up the image of a man who stopped drinking, I began to drink in secret just like I did back in high school. I was drinking at lunch and any other secret time I could find. I got tired of hiding my drinking after nine months and just stopped concealing it.

Rock bottom is where I was when I reached out for help. Which takes me back to the song:

But then you come….and bring the sun……You turn my heart around…
You take my hand…Say I’m better than…..this mess I call a life…
Now I’m feeling so high…..’cause you took my love…….the altitude is high but I don’t need to breathe…just stay by my side and keep loving me…..I feel alive

For the first time ever in life, I found myself in Cook County Jail in October 2008. It had nothing to do with my addiction but those three days changed my life. After being humiliated with the strip search, I was put into a cell. When I walked in, my cellmate knew me. He asked me if I was that church boy that sang in the choir at the church in his neighborhood. It was years prior but he remembered my whole family. Not only was I ashamed internally but my embarrassment was now exposed completely. He thought that if I could end up in a place like that, he didn’t stand a chance. I told him that he couldn’t base his situation on me because I was flawed just like he was. He had a bible so we read the bible and prayed together.

I talked to GOD that night and asked HIM to take the taste out of my mouth. I was spiraling out of control and needed HIS help. I was tired of just going to church. I wanted to live a different life. It took a couple of days after I was released but November 1, 2008 was the last time I took a drink.

For many years I ran from everything and the things I tried to avoid, I was forced to face all of it seemingly at once. Dealing with the childhood memories and the different things that had happened to me was grueling. It was overwhelming at first but I kept praying and asking the LORD to help me through it. HE did. After all of those years of drinking, I asked HIM to help me to stop. HE did. Just like that.

I don’t need to get high like that anymore because I now live ELEVATED!!!

It’s been twenty years and I remember this day as if it is happening at this very moment. When I think of everything that happened that day it plays back in my mind in slow motion and it allows me to remember the event in great detail and it allows me to effectively describe it to you today. The slow motion effects makes this movie-like because it is still unbelievable that it actually happened to me. The reality of it however, is forever branded in my subconscious. At least once a year, the pain is relived evoking every emotion imaginable. This day was the most important day of my life because this is when I became me, well the start of becoming me. The CORE of my being. Happy Second Birthday! Happy Anniversary Donnell SEDRICK Parker…  

The significance of this day is simple, the devil attempted to take me out. I didn’t resist either and I can even say that I welcomed my own demise. After all, I tried on my own to no avail. The plan was simple, feed my unbelief and help me to feel irrelevant, unimportant, unwanted and alone. I didn’t think my life mattered nor did I think I was loved. Imagine that for a moment. I knew GOD existed because I was at church every week and I sung the songs, read the verses, heard the sermons and testimonies. I just didn’t think that I was important enough to GOD. When the road of destruction appeared to me I was more than happy to travel it. I did what many teenager would do at that point. I started drinking secretly and heavy. I also lashed out at any and everyone and gave everyone hell.

Approximately, a week before October 17, 1992, I ran away from home. This was a common practice for me and I honestly don’t remember how long I was gone that time. But after living on the streets for that time, I was convinced to go and talk to my family by a respected deacon of my church. The fact that he was respected by ME at that time was huge. It impressed me that he didn’t judge me about what I had done nor did he say anything about my appearance. I was severely ungroomed to say the least. I was famished; I lived off of peanut butter and water the whole time. I know I smelled horrible but when this deacon talked to me he didn’t react to any of that. I reluctantly agreed to go back and I was relieved as well. My pride wouldn’t let me make that decision on my own. I was released from making that decision on my own but I was tired of sleeping on people stairs and abandoned apartment buildings. It was early October but it was cold, extremely cold. I had no means to keep warm so the chill that I carried I felt deep in my bones. 

Once the decision to go home was made, I was actually kinda excited. I had no clue what to expect when I arrived but anything would be better than what I endured in the streets. I began my familiar route from my church to our apartment. The twelve block trip down 43rd street never came to pass because unknowingly, I walked right in the middle of a gang war. The two gangs that were at war, The Gangster Disciples and The Mickey Cobras, had territories that were separated by a viaduct and I crossed into one turf from the other on my way home. My feelings of hope was replaced by one of my biggest fears. 

As I passed 43rd and Federal, I saw a group of young men playing basketball in front of the Robert Taylor Project building that stood just east of the Dan Ryan Expressway. My walk was interrupted by someone yelling “GD” followed by an explicit. That was nothing new but it was accompanied by three gun shots in succession. The gunman, who was walking from the same basketball court, was about twenty feet away from me which made it easy for the three bullets to pierce my body. I saw the sparks from the gun and attempted to run even though it was too late. 

When the first bullet pierced my left leg, I was shocked to realize that I was actually hit. Was this really happening? The second one hit me in the stomach as I began my running motion and by the time the third one hit me in my left arm, I was slouched holding my stomach. Still walking, I watched in fear as everyone ran and screamed at the nearby gas station and the basketball court emptied as they ran for their lives. I felt myself rapidly weakening as I felt the blood leaving my body drop by drop. I wanted to lie in the street and wait for some help but I was afraid that the perpetrator would just walk up and finish off the intended homicide. Because of that fear, In my mind I thought I would finish the remaining eight block walk home and get help from my family. It didn’t quite work out that way. I made it one block and collapsed trying to call 911 at a nearby payphone on 43rd and State Street.

The street was deserted but a man who saw me fall called the ambulance for me. I chuckled a little bit when I heard the man asked for a “bambalance” but after that I passed out. I don’t know how long I was out but I was awakened by sirens. At first, I was a bit delirious and wondered why I was lying on the ground but when sharp pains hit me while I was trying to get up and seeing the pool of blood reminded me of what happened. The horror was real. I looked around and saw that a crowd had gathered. I often wondered if the person who shot me was in that crowd appreciating the damage he caused or was he standing there upset because he failed.

When the EMT arrived, they had to cut my clothes from my body. I was in terrible pain, now I was cold and I was scared that I was going to die. The ambulance sped away after putting the oxygen mask on me. One of them kept asking me my name and my home phone number on the way to Cook County Hospital. I was very irritated because I answered seemingly over 100 times. I didn’t realize that the EMT was trying to keep me conscious by asking me my information and also because I had no identification. The ride to the hospital was the longest and bumpiest ever. I was thinking about how much Chicago needed to fix their streets because with every bump, I was writhing in pain.  I was trembling and praying and going in and out of consciousness. When we arrived I remember feeling like I was part of the TV show ER (Grey’s Anatomy would be a better analogy today) as we arrived at the hospital. They were running down the corridor to get me into emergency surgery. They took me into the operating room and asked me one last time for my name and number. I gave it to them. They called and asked, “Is this the parent of Donnell Parker?” with that I was unconscious. That was the last thing I heard and I remember the feeling of comfort that came over me when my family had been notified. I was unconscious for two days after that.

The seriousness of my gunshot wounds was unbelievable to me. There were no serious issues with my leg or arm besides soreness. The bullets all went straight through. The gunshot in the stomach was near fatal. There’s a vein in the stomach that would killed me instantly had it been pierced. It was missed by half an inch. The exit wound in my back sits right on my spine but the angle of the bullet missed it by about a quarter of an inch. I needed a blood transfusion because I lost two liters of blood. Losing that much blood is very dangerous because in our body is only 5.6 liters of blood. During my emergency surgery, the doctor removed my left kidney (nephrectomy), my spleen (splenectomy) and part of my pancreas (partial pancreatectomy). The doctors hinted to my mother that I wasn’t going to make it but God had other plans. My mother wasn’t going to accept that either. She told them to get in there and save me. 

Enduring that night and the days after was the hardest recovery that I’ve ever had to endure both physically and mentally. GOD has brought me through it all despite my initial unbelief. HE cancelled the attempt to kill me and delivered me from the fear that plagued me afterwards. I understand just how BLESSED I am when I continuously see our youth gunned down from violence today. I understand just how BLESSED I am to be a father when I was told that there was a chance that I couldn’t father any children because of the trauma to my abdomen. I understand how BLESSED I am to be in decent health after the doctors told me I will be a diabetic and I should get on disability because I wouldn’t be able to do anything. The devil is a liar!

Every single moment since October 17, 1992 has been a gift from GOD that I don’t take lightly. I don’t care how difficult life may get at times there’s never a time where I’m not thankful just to be alive. You will always get a smile from me because I almost didn’t see seventeen years old and now thirty seven is on the horizon (30 days). Yes INDEED this day is very special. I was given new life. That night was the day that I repented of my sins and I actually BELIEVED that I was worth something and I realized that I did want to live. I finally believed at that time that JESUS CHRIST lived and died for MY SINS and GOD raised him from the dead. I asked GOD to save me and HE did. This day in 1992 is the day I can TRULY SAY THAT IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE…I WAS SAVED.

HALLELUJAH!

Donnell SEDRICK Parker